5 Places Where You Might Get Punched in the Face in Evansville at Christmastime
It's that time of year again! You know, the one where we celebrate kindness, giving, and the occasional holiday brawl? Yes, it's Christmas! To celebrate, I figured we could delve into a short list of places you might get punched in the face in Evansville this Christmas because, why not?
1) The Mall
Holy mother. The Mall is cram packed from November through January for the holiday season of buying, exchanging, and refunds! Finding a parking spot is next to impossible, not to mention just finding a way to move through the sea of sweaty bodies inside of the mall. With these conditions of sweaty, angry people, cramped conditions, and long lines, you're bound to get punched or at least a disgusted dirty look. Ho, ho, ho!
2) Coffee Shops
Attention coffee drinkers: welcome! Try our new peppermint latte with a hint of punch to the jaw! It's all the rage this season! One thing I have learned about coffee drinkers is that they MUST have their joe. So if you're standing between a coffee addict and their fix this year, expect a fist right dead to the jaw *in my Ludacris voice*.
3) Any Intersection On the Lloyd
Wishing for a white Christmas this year? Don't...at least not while you're on the Lloyd Expressway. Even when the weather isn't terrible, the Lloyd Expressway during the holidays is absolute road raging madness. The breaking point for most people is not standstill traffic, a million (Note: This number might be slightly exaggerated.) stoplights, or even the slow-rolling traffic that stops every six feet for forty minutes, but it's the fact that these drivers are on their phones, reading newspapers, or eating bowls of cereal adding to the insanity! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, the Lloyd is the highway to hell.
We all love our families, but sometimes the holidays are just too much. In these times, where does one generally retreat? The bar. It's bad news to antagonize anyone in a bar on a regular day, let alone a holiday. Internalized holiday rage is definitely a thing (think Clark Griswold), and since no one can punch their overbearing mother-in-law the face for Christmas, they unleash their rage on other bar patrons. So keep your trap shut at the bar or for a good time call 1-812-YOUJUSTGOTWRECKEDSON.
5) Big Box Stores
If you want a higher likelihood of getting knocked in the mouth this Christmas, check out any major retailer! Holiday sales are good for saving money but bad for bringing out the absolute worst in humanity and people are all about getting their holiday deals. So to avoid a black eye this season, get your shopping done early. Big riots for Christmas, full of Christmas cheer! Have a happy, happy Christmas this year!