The ‘Unofficial’ Rules of Fireworks in Evansville
Yep, we all do these.
The 4th of July is on Wednesday and is the day when we celebrate 'MERICA and all that comes with that (mostly hot dogs, pools, and someone getting hurt). Fireworks are an essential part of any July 4th celebration but Evansville has a few unique "unofficial" rules when it comes to Chinese-made explosives. Here's a small list of these rules.
1. Bottle Rockets Can be Anywhere Rockets If You Try Hard Enough
You know it's the 4th of July when you drive down a street and someone is casually tossing bottle rockets into the street. Normally, you're supposed to put the stick in a bottle and light the fuse. Why go through all that trouble when you can easily just play Russian Roulette with your fingers by holding it until the very last second and throw it away? I'd also suggest keeping bottle rockets away from your butt, however, you know your uncle is gonna do it to keep with tradition so why bother?
2. Jimtown Will Recreate Opening Scene from Saving Private Ryan
As you leave the fireworks festivities on the river this July 4th, take a stroll through Jimtown on your way home and experience the horror of non-stop mortar shells exploding. I'm convinced the citizens of Jimtown save up all year so they can spend hundreds of dollars on fireworks so they can out-do their neighbors. Fun Fact: 4th of July in Jimtown lasts from June 20th until someone fires a gun into the air around the 10th of July and the cops shut it down.
3. When Using Roman Candles, You Must Yell Harry Potter Spells
Roman Candles are a cornerstone of any good fireworks display. Yeah, they may say in large print to NOT AIM AT A PERSON, but that doesn't stop you. You're a wizard, Harry. While shooting flaming hot balls out of a cardboard tube, but sure to yell your favorite Harry Potter spell while you try to set your brother on fire. And remember: "It's leviOsa, not levioSA!
(And yes, I realize that isn't a spell that would shoot anything out of the wand but upsetting Harry Potter fans with inaccuracies is my favorite.)
4. If Firework is a Dud, Place Face Directly Over
We've all been there: We watch a fuse dwindle down and anxiously await the explosion of sparks and noise only to have nothing happen. If this happens, be sure to run over and look directly into the low-grade amount of TNT. Fireworks never have a delay and you'll definitely not blow your head up by doing this. Placing your face over the firework lets it know how disappointed you are and to never do it again.
*THIS IS A JOKE! PLEASE DON'T EXPLODE YOUR FACE!*
5. Put It In Reverse, Terry
This isn't Evansville related, but I will never not-share this video.
If you follow these unofficial rules, you're going to have a great 4th of July and celebrate what makes America so okay!