Kentucky Man Shares His List of Hysterically Weird and Irrational Fears

A coworker of mine shared this meme on social media this week.

My answer to that question is simple. Yes. I do!  I admit it.  I have some bizarre and completely irrational fears that go beyond my well-documented fear of clowns, cottage cheese and death.  I daresay, those particular fears are actually legitimate. There are reasons I am afraid of those things. For instance, I was a but a wee lad the first time I met a clown face-to-face at the Hadi Shrine Circus in Evansville. That chance (and horrifyingly Stephen King-esque) encounter didn't go well. I lost my crap and STILL won't go near a clown if I can help it.

But, I'll add to the list above and answer the meme in the process. I do have some really 'weird phobias' that make absolutely no sense at all and they're so deeply-rooted in my psyche that they actually curb my behavior.  You ready to hear these? Some of you may think I am a complete freak. Some of you may relate. If so, reach out! We'll form a support group.

IRRATIONAL FEAR #1- BATTERY ACID EATING THROUGH MAGAZINES

I am terrified of battery acid eating through paper.  Now, I'll admit it.  I actually laughed out loud right after I typed that.  You probably laughed at me too.  And that's fine.  But, it's true.  I have this completely irrational fear of battery acid and, consequently, I will not leave a remote control on top of a magazine.  WILL NOT DO IT!  I am afraid the batteries will go bad, leak acid on my magazines and catch the house on fire.  Adding insult to all those injuries, fire is my single biggest fear in this world. So, if there's any chance of something catching fire and burning my house to the ground, it automatically goes on this list with a bullet.

IRRATIONAL FEAR #2- SLICING MY EYE OPEN ON A GROCERY STORE SHELF

I know.  You just simultaneously laughed and winced.  But I am not kidding! This TERRIFIES me and it's a weekly battle.  As a matter of fact, if you have ever seen me in a grocery store, you may or may not have noticed that I always stay right in the middle of the aisle.  And, if I am turning from one aisle to the next, I always swing out wide to make that turn. I'm basically a NASCAR driver riding the high banks at Talladega.  There is no way I'm making a turn on the inside because, let's face it, those metal shelves on the end caps stick out and they're just waiting to puncture an eyeball.

IRRATIONAL FEAR #3- NAIL GUNS

I will not go anywhere near a nail gun. Forget it.  Will NOT do it!  I hate nail guns and I am absolutely terrified of them.  I don't trust them at all and go nuts anytime I hear the compression from one. I react like a howler monkey. If I could scale a tree to get away from one, I would.

Now, I can't explain where that particular fear comes from.  Everyone knows I am not mechanically inclined, at all. I got a C- in Industrial Arts in middle school.  We had to carve a gigantic key out of a piece of wood and mine looked like it was made by the teeth of a beaver on crack.  Not even kidding.

What I am trying to say here is that I have never even had a good reason to be around a nail gun, so I can't explain where the fear of them stems from.  The only thing I can even think of- and this is just so random and stupid and ridiculous- but there was a nail gun in the made-for-TV movie Midnight Offerings starring Melissa Sue Anderson and Mary Beth McDonough.  Do you remember that movie?  They both were descendants of witches and had a telekinetic battle in shop class at their school and there was, you guessed it, a freaking nail gun!

Maybe that's why I'm afraid of nail guns.  Who knows?  Maybe I'm subconciously afraid one will go nuts and just start rapid-firing nails across the room and I'll have to do a dive roll and hide behind something to escape.  This would actually be a somewhat normal fear if I actually owned a nail gun.  But, I don't, and won't, because I am terrified of them.

IRRATIONAL FEAR #4- MUSTARD

Now, it's an incredibly long and layered story that involves being wrongfully attacked during recess in middle school. But suffice it to say that you'd be afraid of mustard too if you were pinned to the ground by a classmate and could smell mustard on their breath each time they exhaled. TO THIS DAY, I cannot stand the site, smell or taste of mustard. I immediately have flashbacks to the football field of Daviess County Middle School and a rather unfortunate incident with a classmate who confused the command, "Go kiss, Chad" with "Go hit, Chad." My friendship with said classmate endured the test of time. The mustard did not.

So, there's my list.  Go ahead.  Judge me!  But I have a feeling I am not alone in this.  I think we all have weird, inexplicable fears.  And, now that I've shared, it's time to man up and woman up.  Let's hear some of yours!