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Why is Buying a Swimsuit the WORST?

Okay, so first off, let me preface this blog by saying this isn’t a na-na-na-boo-boo I’m a size 4 blog. It’s a blog about the struggle… the struggle that women and probably men face every day. BODY. IMAGE. ISSUES! (No matter what size you are.)

TO THE BEACH!

In the next few weeks, my family and I will be embarking on a vacation to the beach. (Don’t even think about breaking into my house; I have a security system that rivals all security systems with the police on speed-dial and a really really big dog.) I digress…

ashleys
ashleys

Don’t let the pink blankie fool you. This dog is a KILLER!

So, if you are going to the beach, you need to look fly, right?! Is “fly” a word anymore? No? Okay… I definitely don’t want to look like the stressed out, unkempt, middle-aged mom that I truly am, now do I? NO! I want to look like a young, fresh, carefree beach babe! HA! I had to get a couple new swimsuits.

After I had my daughter, I completely changed up my eating habits and went from a size 12 to a size 4. Yes, I know, the miracle diet… quit eating crap. BOOM. MIRACLE. Who knew? And, after a few days hugging the porcelain throne (aka, I had the stomach flu) I was really down to a 4. Maybe a 3.5, even. Perfect time to find a new suit, right? HMF. (That wasn’t an acronym; it is the sound I am literally making right now.)

I’LL BRING THE BIKINIS!

So, here I am in the store snagging all these swim suits that I think MIGHT look good on me. The kid is occupied with screen-time so I have a minute to think. Think about what I needed to look for in the perfect swimsuit.

But, before we go on any further, let me lay out a few of my personal body issues:

  1. Boobs – I breastfed for a year. My boobs look like I breastfed for about 10 years. When your mom makes fun of you and tell you that her boobs look better than yours, you know why they stare at the floor weeping. To top it off, they are so bad that though they are technically a D-cup, I look completely flat without a pushup wire support hasn’t readily available in swimwear since 1996. There I said it…
  2. Butt – I sit all day and write blogs. Hello, white girl pancake butt.
  3. Stretch Marks – 30 years of eating junk and losing it in six months takes its toll on your skin.
  4. Cellulite – Yeah, baby. It got it!
  5. Butt – Did I mention my butt looks like an upside-down heart? Ru-ruhhhh. HMF.
AshleyS
AshleyS

I had to ween her off the breast using coffee… black coffee… 

MAYBE I WON’T!

So, here’s the kicker… I grabbed about five bikinis (yea, this 35-year-old wears bikinis) and went to the fitting room. I got mediums thinking, “I hope they aren’t too saggy. HEHE!” Remember, size 4 over here. Well, guess what… we had some issues. :o/

  1. The tops could not contain my saggy boobies. The fell right through like melted butter. This has never once happened to my Victoria’s Secret bra! (I love you Victoria!)
  2. The bottoms (at a Medium) were too small. I needed a LARGE. I wear a size 4 in American Eagle skinny jeans! (YES, the jeans every mom secretly loves to wear. They are so wrong but feel soooo right.) But, in bikini bottoms, I’m apparently a LARGE.

    126448687
    SEE this is what I’m talking about!  WHO wants a suit that is cut this way???? NAME YOURSELF!  Photo: Zoonar RF
  3. My butt cheeks gazed sadly at the floor because they were uncovered. Again, my many pairs of full-butted underwear that I have on hand to wear with skirts DO NOT have this problem. I even got the cut with the MOST coverage.
  4. My stretch marks were loud and proud because the only thing covering my hips were the itty bitty string committee. Again, bottoms with the MOST coverage available.
  5. Cellulite – yeah, that’s my issue. Squats, squats, squats. I GET IT.
AshleyS
AshleyS

Can I get a whoop-whoop for all you moms rockin’ AE skinny jeans?! HOLLA!

And mind you, this was a LOCAL store – not something from one of those overseas websites that takes forever to get your junky $1 item that WARNS you Asian sizes run smaller. Nope, I was in a regular old store. In fact, I was in a few of them and same issues over and over.

SERIOUSLY, WHO WEARS THE XSMALL? WHO ARE YOU?

Now, if I’m having these issues and wearing a LARGE swimsuit, I can’t imagine the struggle for my curvier girls out there. In my size 12 days, at least I had some jugs to distract you from my uncovered inverted heart butt. And, as I recall boy-shorts were a thing. Where did they go? These days, you might be distracted from a set of war-worn weapons of mass milkage oozing from my tied tighter than a tick top. And, wearing one of these “barely there” jobbies at a waterpark? FUGGEDABOUTIT.

And, at the end of the day, it’s supposed to be all about loving myself the way I am, blah blah blah. But, let’s be real. I don’t want a swimsuit that accentuates all the crap about me that isn’t all that pretty. I want one that at least attempts to give me back the spunk and plump I had when I was 21. Ya know?

HELP ME!

Where can I find such an animal? Where can I find a swimsuit, a bikini, that’s cut in all the right ways, and perks up my tired old body? And, while we are on the subject, if whoever was responsible for making “DadBod” cool, could please do that same thing for “MommyBody” or something catchy like that, I’ll pay you to make my cellulite sexy!

i need help.

 

AshleyS
AshleyS

The only-known photo of me in a bikini in the past 10 years… Bikini is still not all that flattering. The kid might be covering up a rogue boob.

 

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